getting older, nothing new
postcard 12: on growing up, birthday blues, and things i've learned so far in my twenties
“I act and react, and suddenly I wonder, ‘Where is the girl that I was last year? Two years ago? What would she think of me now?”
prelude
(This post is too long for email length—please read it on the app or your desktop!)
When I was seven, I had an assignment where I had to write about what I wanted to be when I grew up. After hours of turmoil, I wrote down that I wanted to be five things: a doctor, a pianist, a fashion designer, a lawyer, and an author. It ended up being a very long written assignment for a second grader, and my teacher found it extremely endearing. So much so, that she wrote a little note for my parents saying that they were raising a very bright child. My parents were endlessly proud of me for it and stuck it on the fridge.
Of course, most of my dream careers eventually got crossed off the list for various reasons and shortcomings: a doctor, because I get queasy around blood. Pianist because I stopped playing the piano after ten years. Fashion designer because I like shopping, not designing clothes. And author, for the time being, because I never seem to like my writing enough to want to mass print it and sell it. A lawyer is the only profession that I have held onto actively pursuing, but when did that stop becoming a dream and start being more of a worry?
Seventeen years of growing up after that has obviously made me more realistic (because who has five full-time jobs at once? And who would want that?), but I sometimes wonder what happened to that optimistic fantasy of what it means to be an adult. I feel like dreaming has become childish, something juvenile that you do when you don’t know how life works yet. I still don’t know how life works, but I can’t dream of doing some of the things I want to.
(Faith’s beautiful cover of one of my favorite songs for my birthday)
I turned 24 today. I am not a big birthday person—in fact, I actually dread them. Every year, I get an acute case of birthday blues and always feel like birthdays are set milestones that happen every year without failure, whether you are ready for it or not. I always feel like I didn’t accomplish as much as I wanted to, and as someone who measures her life in goals and numbers, birthdays always feel anticlimactic because of it.
My feeling deeply sad on my birthday probably has something to do with the fact that I repress my emotions and only cry maybe thrice a year (my birthday after I think a bit too hard about my life, New Year’s Eve after I listen to Auld Lang Syne, and a probably during a sad movie). But it also definitely has to do with the fact that birthdays become increasingly more overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time.
It seems that every birthday is a reality check, a milestone I’m forced to reckon with and realize that I’m not much different than the me last year. A study in trying to see a reflection of my past self in an empty hourglass. What could have I done better? What could I have been more passionate about? What could I have changed?
And while twenty-four isn’t “old age” in any way, it feels like the first time I’m “getting older” and not “growing up”. There’s a quote in Everything I Know About Love that precisely encapsulates this:
You are realizing the mundanity of life. You are moving out of the realm of fantasy of “when I grow up" and adjusting to the reality that you’re there; it's happening, and it’s not what you thought it’d be.
While this is true, something that happened in my twenties is that I have learned to appreciate these mundane moments of my life. Many times, they are not mundane; they end up being special in retrospect. Growing up is a checkerboard of nostalgia and regret, and knowing in the back of your mind that the younger you would be somewhat disappointed in the current you. It’s filled with anticlimaxes and what ifs, uncertain feelings that you can’t seem to vocalize or put into words.
But there are these unexpected, occasional sparks of elation and unadulterated joy that appear at the strangest times, in the most ordinary of days. During Facetime calls with my best friends where we spend three hours talking about absolutely nothing and everything. Through random bursts of laughter at the dinner table with my family over something silly, until we’re all clutching our stomachs. On walks along the beach where I stumble across a breathtaking sunset. Seeing a painting at a museum that makes me stop and stare in awe.
And oddly enough, these are the moments that hold us, comfort us, until the next good moment.
Here is what I have learned in my twenties so far: A good morning routine makes all the difference in the world. Be honest about what you love, and talk about it loudly and proudly. Recognize your strengths rather than just your shortcomings. Perfecting the art of writing a passive-aggressive work email can make your day a little brighter. Tidy up your space before sleeping. Your sense of individuality is the biggest ace up your sleeve. Learn how to fit into your own skin. Start journaling. Recognize the life-changing importance of a good pair of jeans. Never stop wanting to learn. Find solace and appreciation in the quiet days that feel meaningless and during long nights that feel especially lonely. Keep up with current events. Learn how to eat alone.
Know how to stand up for yourself, but also learn how to apologize properly. Crying on your birthday is normal and can be cathartic. Find good hobbies that don’t make your work life so dreary. Growing up is not linear or formulaic. Day-to-day life may feel dull and time may feel like it is at an all-time standstill, but you will look back and realize you went through exponential growth. Make a playlist of songs you can dance recklessly to. Awe is such an important emotion. Never, ever date for the sake of dating. If you have a bad gut feeling about someone, you’re probably right. Be honest about what you love. Always practice introspection. In that vein, always take a few moments to appreciate your surroundings.
Realize that friendship is one of the most beautiful parts of life. Learn how to live a life that, in your heart of hearts, is measured in unconditional love, boundless empathy, and audacious dreams. Don’t be passive about things that matter. Tell the people you love that you love them often. Call your parents often because they won’t be around forever. The only correct way to love is wholeheartedly and unapologetically. Bad brain days feel never-ending, but they will end. Feeling sadness is better than not feeling anything at all. There are more people who love you than you think. Take a deep breath. Feel the soles of your feet touching the ground, and listen to the sound of your heartbeat. Watch the sunrise, watch the sunset. Everything is going to be okay.
Find an extended version here!
I asked my parents, two of the best and most levelheaded people I know, to write me a paragraph each about things they wish they knew in my twenties as well.
My mom said: I spent all of my school years focused on studying. I devoted filling up each day to getting the most amount of things done with care and vigilance. After I graduated college, I focused on results, accomplishments, and things that could be measured in numbers. I already had these, so I thought that everything would be decided by this time. I would get a good job, settle down, and become a successful member of society.
But your twenties are not that time. Your twenties are not a reflection of how hard you studied, or how much you accomplished in the past. It’s not a time to evaluate what you have so far and make something of that. It’s a time to keep experiencing, keep failing, keep starting. If you fall, pick yourself up again because good days are ahead of you. Scars heal with time. Failing is simply a course of life. Make mistakes loudly and without regrets. Had I known this in my twenties, I think I would have been a little less harsh on myself. I would have failed with peace of mind, had more experiences, and lived more passionately and bravely.
My dad said: I wish I knew that you are so young in your twenties, that this is just the beginning of your life. I thought that I was old enough—old enough to know everything (or know how to figure out most things at least), including what I wanted to do in my life, how I wanted to live my life, etc. Thank God that some of the things I planned did not work out because whatever I failed, I got something better. Life is full of mysteries in that way, but it’s a good thing, I promise. It is worthwhile to see how it will play out. Courage is an underrated value. Being scared to do something is worse than failing. Don’t give up if something does not work out now. It will work out later.
interlude: things i learned in my twenties (friends’ extended cut)
I asked a few of my close friends about things they learned in their twenties. All of them are beautiful writers, and I am so endlessly blessed that they took the time out of their days to write these. One of the best parts of my life is the wonderful friendships I am lucky to have, and these notes are evidence of that.
Each note is incredibly meaningful, touching, and empathetic. I learned so much (and continue to learn so much from them), and my heart was so warm while reading all of these. Please give all of them a read-through in some peace and quiet! I know I will continue reading them time and again for a long time to come.
I have linked public profiles for my friends that have them.
Thinking about my twenties, I mostly feel as though I'm sat in the in-between, a somewhat silly gray area between reality and the place inside my head.
The reality: You don't need to love your work, but your life will be happier if you like it at least a little. Don't drink caffeine after 5pm. As you begin to make your own money, protect it fiercely. Invest in clothing for your body and for the long-haul. Wear sunscreen, then reapply it. Read books. Both say thank you and send thank you notes, but realize gratitude is more powerful when you mean it. Take your health seriously. Set goals with intention.
The place inside my head: Marinate in the love you already have, not the love you think you desire. If someone shows you who you are, believe them. Forgiving someone does not mean letting them back into your world. Everyone is good at something and no one is good at everything. No one has your back more than you. Think before you speak. Our friendships carry us forward. All you can do is what you can do, and that is more than enough.
I used to think that by my twenties, I’d have everything together but on the contrary, it seems like everything is just beginning.
Growth doesn’t always mean shedding skins. Sometimes it’s putting down roots over time and becoming more stubbornly ourselves. A bad day is not an omen for a bad year. Stop picturing the end before it even begins. I’ve learned the importance of debriefing and deconstructing and detangling the mess that is adulthood, but have also seen time and time again the value of making peace with the fact that sometimes, things just won’t make sense. Sit with it. Let it settle. Breathe. Tomorrow is another day.
I’ve learned not to be ashamed when my sole weekend plans are with my mom. Wake up a little bit earlier on weekends to spend a phone-free morning with her. Moms are superheroes, protectors, anchors all our lives, but they aren’t invincible. Time is the one thing we can’t get back. Go home. Take care of her. Be the anchor this time around.
I am learning to give love in spades. I used to be apologetic about my big feelings, and to try so hard to be the nonchalant cool girl. I am not the cool girl. I overthink and get jealous and feel too deeply and care a little too much. But I’ve learned to allow myself the space to be human.
I’m also learning to stop making bargains with the universe. It’s alright to want things. Being happy doesn’t always come with a price. Take the good as it comes. When you do, every fallen thing, suddenly, grows wings.
Life is more changeable than we think. Apologize in person. Say things from the heart in person. There’s something about tangible human connection that just can’t be replicated through a screen. Yield to kindness whenever possible. If you even think of making a pros and cons list about keeping someone in your life, chances are the cons have already won. Let go especially when you don’t want to. Surround yourself with good people who ground you and you’ll realize that even when you’re alone, you’ll never really be lonely.
When I try to picture for myself what a happy life might look like, the picture hasn't changed very much since I was a child — a home echoing with laughter, a dream to keep me yearning, and someone there to love me, that's all.
Sometimes you have to be uncomfortable to grow. Find a hobby you genuinely love so you can always have downtime from work. Make healthier choices (whatever that means for you) for the benefit of future you. Quality over quantity is a rule you should apply to most things in life. Lose friends, make new friends, understand that different friends are suited for different situations. Learn to do things on your own, even if you find it hard, independence is a must for your 20s. Spend your love and time on people who deserve it. Dance to your favourite songs in your room regularly. Don’t react on emotions, take time to think and rationalise. Take comfort in the fact that a lot of people say your 20s are the training years, and your 30s are when the training wheels come off and the real fun starts.
EMILY
taking care of your friends is a wonderful privilege that you only deserve if you are also taking care of yourself.
get more sleep.
your TBR pile will never get smaller, only larger. buddy read whatever your friends are reading and accept it.
singing someone’s praises in front of others is a surefire way to win them over.
not enough sleep will kill you, but never staying up until you’re the only one awake will drive you insane.
play a video game occasionally to remind yourself why you love/hate them.
figure out how to cook for yourself. the learning curve is steep, but information retention is easier than you think (spice combos, cooking times, eyeball measurements)
you will read a Tolstoy at some point. it should be Anna Karenina.
make it a goal to be good at mental math and touch typing.
learn how to coordinate an outfit. bare minimum, two pieces should match colors. later stages involve patterns and accessories.
you can wear brown and black together. you will never know when these times are.
never force organic moments, it will make you seem conceited and desperate. all new inside jokes, however, could use a little nudge — the key lies in being subtle.
your twenties are an overly analyzed period of life. media, society, and your own mind make it out to be this transformative period, but neglect to point out how much hindsight romanticizes such a turbulent time. hang on for the ride and don’t be so hard on yourself. regardless of what happens, in 20 more years you’ll be at a cocktail party saying “back in my 20’s, i …”
NOELLE
As someone who's only recently turned thirty, looking back on my twenties is a fascinating experience. It's a vastly different perspective compared to when you're twenty-nine, or twenty-eight, because you now see your twenties as a chapter in your life. It's a chapter of a book that you can reread and look back fondly on, but never go back to. You can't say "I'm a twenty-something year old" ever again; you can't say "it's fine, I'm only in my twenties" when you do something that's a future health-risk; you can't use "give me a break, I'm still figuring things out" as an excuse if you make mistakes...right?
Actually, I'm not so sure about that last one. Because the most valuable thing I've learnt in my twenties is that it's okay to not have things figured out. Maybe we'll learn from the mistakes we made in our twenties, or maybe we'll go on to make even worse ones. Maybe we'll look back on our thirties when we're forty, and our forties when we're fifty, and have the same unanswered questions.
And that's okay. Society has conditioned us to present the best of ourselves at any given moment, but the truth is that almost everyone is hiding behind some sort of mask. I know many people who go their entire lives without ever thinking "I've got this, this is exactly what I want". Now that I'm thirty, I know I still feel as unsure as I did back when I was twenty, and I don't think this feeling will ever stop.
So here's the thing: if our lives are like books, then our twenties are only a chapter in the book that we're still writing. Although this chapter may be filled with errors, our time is short, so we can't afford to keep regretting them. All we can do is write a new page every day, trying our best every day. It won't be a perfect book, that's for sure. But maybe when we reread it at the very end, we'll appreciate the journey for what it was.
NANA
Being alone is not as bad as you think. As your early 20s draw to a close amidst the graduation cheers and the first tentative steps into your career, you might find yourself unexpectedly grappling with the silent companion of loneliness. It's a peculiar feeling, one that creeps up on you when you least expect it. I've felt it too – that gnawing sense of detachment that sets in after the fanfare of graduation fades away. Suddenly, the once-familiar faces of my closest friends are scattered across the globe, and I'm left with the uncomfortable monotonous rhythm of my newfound solitude. To make matters worse, every scroll through LinkedIn or Instagram serves as a stark reminder of how everyone else's lives are moving forward – new jobs, exciting adventures, and picture-perfect moments frozen in time. Meanwhile, I can't shake the nagging fear that my own life is stuck in neutral, that I'm somehow veering off course while everyone else races ahead.
But here's the thing: loneliness isn't a sign of failure; it's a natural part of your 20s. It's okay to feel lost, to feel adrift in a sea of uncertainty. As you embark on this journey into the adult world, it's perfectly normal to encounter moments of mental and physical solitude for the first time in your life. At first, being alone may feel daunting and the absence of constant company may trigger feelings of insecurity or self-doubt. However, as time passes, solitude can gradually transform from a source of discomfort into an opportunity for introspection and personal development. For me, I was able to pick back up childhood hobbies and develop my sense of identity more clearly by embracing and leaning into the stillness of solitude.
Rejection is just redirection. Rejections, whether it’s from a job opportunity or a romantic relationship will do a number on your self-esteem. It's like a swift kick to the gut, leaving you questioning your worth and wondering where you went wrong. In those moments, it's easy to fall into the trap of self-doubt and despair, wondering if you're simply not good enough or if fate is playing a cruel joke on you. But rejection is not the end of the road; it's simply a detour. It's a cosmic nudge, a gentle (or not-so-gentle) push in a different direction. Sure, it might sting like a slap in the face at first, but take a step back and look at the bigger picture. Maybe that job wasn't the right fit for you after all, or perhaps that relationship wasn't meant to go the distance. So, the next time rejection comes knocking on your door, take it as a chance to recalibrate your path. After all, the best is yet to come.
Corny as it is, my mid-twenties have been all about LOVE. I try to cultivate a reputation of having a hardened exterior, like a bug or that chocolate shell you pour over ice cream, but in my old age, I've become a softy. It is such a pleasure to fall in love, and to give yourself opportunities to do it over and over again. I love reading. I love my friends. I love my siblings. I love my fiancé. I love my life. I don't love every single thing every second I survive, but I think the secret to happiness is surrounding yourself with people and pastimes and things that will continually make you sit back and think "Wow. this whole life thing...pretty nice!" That's what love is. And also the movie About Time, which is the best movie ever made.
SUE
An act of kindness goes a long way. Give back, share, compliment, care, empathize, and listen. Remember to be grateful for all those who helped you along the way.
Act with class even when you are upset or angry, and be mindful of what is truly causing these emotions.
Someone else’s accomplishment doesn’t take away from your own. Learn from other’s accomplishments and celebrate them - you are in competition with no one but yourself, and every day is an opportunity to grow and learn.
Happiness doesn’t come from achieving a milestone or a goal. Happiness is something you work on feeling in the present.
Always put yourself first - this is not a selfish thing to do. There’s no one else in this world who will look out for you more than yourself, and those who truly care for you and love you will want you to do the same instead of resenting you for it.
There is no fault in giving too much love, but sometimes we give it to people who are undeserving of it.
You are not put on this planet to fulfill other people’s dreams. Self-reflection is key to finding out what makes you truly happy and fulfilled. Look inward, be true to yourself, and do what that is. This may change over time, and there is no correct answer, but that’s okay because that is the journey of life.
Make a conscious effort to plan activities/trips/events/celebrations with friends and family. As life inevitably happens and friends move on, you should make the most out of the opportunity to live in the same city as your friends and never take those times for granted.
There are two things that always come to mind when I think about the words i live by, which in turn, are the very lessons I have learned in my twenties.
Live the question now, by Rilke.
Thank you for being, by Ocean.
Of course, tied to literature and my favorite authors — this is not to take away from my own lived experiences, but these are passages I could go through a life and never be able to put to words myself, yet are the most perfect lines that capture how I try to live my life.
Esje was a little kid that had big dreams of achieving everything, and seeing the world — but I've come to find that the most important things in my life came to me when I let myself enjoy and get lost in the process. To not be in constant search for the right answers, to not always be hung up on what the perfect solution is — but to live the question, as Rilke put it.
Neatly tying this to “thank you for being” — that in living the question of the only life we get to live, I make peace with where I am in this life. This doesn’t mean losing the “ambitious” in me, but allowing it to coexist with the gratitude and appreciation of simply being here. This very present moment that is a sum of all the positive and negative things that have happened in my life.
There you have it, take what works for you, and leave the rest. You have a great head on your shoulders (one of the very best), and I know with or without any advice, you’d go through life the best way you can.
Thank you for being.
I’ve learned not to keep company that drains me. I tell myself over and over: quality over quantity. All you need are a few good people in your corner. And your mom. I’ve learned to appreciate and cherish the people who care about me in the present, rather than go around collecting friends like new trinkets for my shelf. However—there are so many loves in my life I have yet to meet, so I don’t discount new connections that appear in my path right away, or at all, by any means. I’ve learned that just because a person isn’t extremely important to you right now, doesn’t mean that they won’t ever be. One of my current acquaintances could very well become one of my favorite, most dear people in the future. Who knows? I’ve learned to leave a lot of things up to possibility, and to hope.
Also, no one has their life figured out. Absolutely no one. And if someone tells you that they do, they’re lying or living in delusion. I’ve learned to remain driven and motivated, and to set goals, both short and long-term, to give myself something to work on throughout my days. Something to fill my time that leaves me feeling proud of the work I’ve done. My planner has become my best friend, and mapping out the weeks and days in advance has done wonders for productivity. I also have grown to look forward to and understand the significance of a good, hearty debrief session. I’ve learned that the emotions of excitement and dread actually feel eerily similar, and that I have begun to not be able to tell the difference. I’ve learned to understand my mother better than I ever have before; realizing how wise she was at my age and how I pale in comparison. I’ve started to be able to tell the difference between when someone is actually talking to me or simply just responding, and when someone is interested in me for me as a person or for something they can gain out of association with me.
I also learned that having a long-term boyfriend is fun but it’s not worth it in the long run to waste time on someone who isn’t intentional from the beginning—at least, not again. But at the same time, experiencing heartbreak is crucial to growth. It’s like gaining XP points and leveling up in the game of life, in its own strange way. I’ve learned that a future together is not guaranteed just because you’re in love. Hard work and true effort on both sides is required to get there. All this to say, something ending in heartbreak does not immediately invalidate the love you felt and experienced. Also, I can’t date for sport. It’s not my thing. I always thought I’d get better at separating feelings from a situation but I think that some things are just core qualities and not something I’ll grow out of. I’ve accepted the fact that I will always be the kind of person who loves hard. On that note, I also learned my biggest lesson of all: to never ever use Hinge ever again, and that the guys are exactly the same on Raya—only they’re richer, more famous, and/or have more network connections. Being an up-and-coming music producer, an ex-Disney star, the CEO of a startup, or going to an Ivy League school does not automatically make him that much better than the guys you find on Hinge. At the end of the day, they’re all still guys. Know your worth, and hold out for the love you deserve.
I think something I’ve grown to value more and more is the importance of engaging in truly intersectional feminism. It radically transformed the way I value my friendships, how I treat myself physically and mentally, and the way I navigate my political and moral values. decentering men has also played a big role in that as well and I cannot express how beneficial it has been for my mental health and the quality of my relationships (romantic, platonic, and familial).
I also think as time passes, I am solidifying my sense of self. I am a chronic people pleaser and part of getting over that flaw has been understanding myself more deeply. I used to be afraid of being unlikeable, which is a fear that grows smaller and smaller the better I understand myself. In order to be palatable to everyone, I’ve realized that I have to give up many parts of myself, and the cost of that just isn’t worth it compared to being authentically myself. of course, that has to be accompanied with good communication skills, which is another thing I think I’ve gotten better about as I grow older.
Looking back, I used to be so afraid of getting older. sometimes, I even doubted whether or not I would reach the age I am now, but with strong support from my loved ones and with the experiences I’ve had, I’ve had such a beautiful and meaningful time in my 20s. I look forward to learning even more as I grow older!
1. you will feel lonelier than you ever have, and that's okay: experiencing your 20's is honestly such a strange experience - everyone is in such different phases of their lives that it's so easy to feel like you're being left behind or should be right there with them, accomplishing the same things and unlocking the same milestones. it will feel like everyone else in the entire world is luckier than you at some point, and sometimes they will be, but everyone else is also experiencing their own journey and experiencing their 20's for the first time, and it's important to give them, and especially yourself, grace. the loneliness will feel all-consuming sometimes because it'll be hard to understand who to turn to when everyone is so busy quite literally creating their own lives, but that's why your 20's are your time to (as cheesy as it sounds) become your own best friend - your 20's are your own journey in self discovery and truly understanding what makes you happy, and it's the best time to trust all of the crazy changes and embrace yourself.
2. spend more time by yourself: take little solo trips, go to fancy restaurants alone, a walk in the park unplugged from your phone will not harm you - treat yourself to the things that you keep wanting to do but aren't happening for whatever reason with whoever else you're trying to involve. it's not worth missing out on a new experience or a peaceful moment or a cherished memory because someone else can't make it. if it's something you can't do often, then you never know when the next time could be. prioritize everything you want to do and go for it - life, now more than ever, is unpredictable and not promised. take the time to carve out the time for yourself and indulge in self care. it's going to look different for everyone, and it's going to help you live a more fulfilling and self-sufficient life.
3. work hard but not harder than you need to be: this will be different for everybody - some people really enjoy having something to work towards and enjoy challenging themselves to accomplish more and climb up the ladder. at the end of the day, no matter how much time and dedication you've put in, you are replaceable and you can be let go from something you may really enjoy and be passionate about without a moment's notice. it's important to know your worth and know that sometimes, there are times where you probably don't need to be working as hard as you are. don't limit yourself to whatever job or field you are in, and don't stick with something if you know you aren't enjoying it - why spend your time and energy on something that you know is making you unhappy - find little hobbies or other things that interest you, and don't be afraid to start something new. moving on and letting go from something that you thought you loved is what your 20's is all about.
don‘t compare yourself to others:
Throughout my teens and early 20s I kept comparing myself to others: whether it was my face, body, education, relationship or independence, I always found reasons to talk down on myself and thought that everyone was doing so much better in life than I was. I found out that other people only show you what they want you to see and that‘s usually the positive things in their lives. In reality they were always struggling as much as I did. It doesn‘t matter if someone earned their degree faster than you, has shinier hair, brighter teeth or has had more boyfriends than you. Being you is good enough! (I still sometimes fall back into old patterns and compare myself and that‘s okay too!)
leave your comfort zone and spend time with yourself:
I‘m a habitual person, I’m afraid of change in my life, I‘m not very spontaneous and prefer my sofa over parties, I tend to depend on others and I like to keep things the way they are. I went through a huge life change in 2023 (end of a long term relationship, moved into a new apartment alone, etc), which basically forced me to leave my comfort zone in multiple ways. The breakup motivated me to work on myself and I knew that in order to learn from that situation, I had to work on myself. Leaving my comfort zone was what I struggled with the most, but I knew that something in my life needed to change for me to find my spark again. I did things I never thought I‘d be capable of doing: I stepped on a plane for a solo flight, I met someone from the internet and most importantly: I started spending time with myself and really enjoyed it.
relationships and friendships end for a reason:
When I was younger, I always thought I was cursed because why did bad things keep happening to me (as in why did people always leave me)? Why did this not happen to others? Did the universe single me out because I once talked back to my mom when I was in fourth grade? Why did my relationship not work out? Why did that one friendship end? I spent hours researching how to manifest people back in your life, watched tiktoks of people getting dumped and how to get your ex back, read articles about failed relationships and how to get over them. The truth is: all relationships end for a reason and in most cases, the universe has much greater things in store for you. Relationships end because you‘re not meant to be in that person‘s life (for various reasons!). You‘ll be okay, you‘ll be fine, you‘ll find your spark again. Trust the timing of your life!
No one knows what they’re doing. Literally no one. The most seemingly put together person in your life? Yeah, they’re clueless. But, guess what? That’s OKAY! Take comfort in knowing there is no right way to be an adult or navigate your 20’s. You’re going to make mistakes and then learn from them. Will the lessons be hard? Probably. Will you walk away with a tiny sprinkling of trauma? Most definitely. But, that’s the beauty of aging.
Your 20’s is the time where you truly learn how quickly your whole life can be tipped upside down. Parents get sick. Jobs can be lost. Relationships end. It’s what you do while sitting in the wreckage of your should be’s and could be’s that the real growth begins.
Now for the real shit:
Wear sunscreen. Trust me…your 30 year old self will thank you.
Have a ‘fuck it’ bucket. Transfer a small amount of each paycheck into a savings account so that one day you have the option of saying ‘Fuck it’. Quit the job that you hate. Move to the other side of the world. Buy those expensive shoes. Trust me.
Embrace cringe and be unapologetically enthusiastic about the things you love. Life is too short.
Move to another city…heck…move countries. Get out of your own bubble and experience something new.
Work out and eat well.
Put. Yourself. First.
JOE
I don’t really think there’s anything worth caring about more than being happy. Everyone gets to that point in different ways; the only real advice is to figure out when you’re happy and do that. Don’t stress yourself out for years doing something you like in hopes that it will allow you to be happy in the future. Just do things that you truly love!
Like most people who grew up watching shows and movies that showcased this period of life called our “twenties,” I thought mine would play out, more or less, the same way I saw on-screen. I pictured Friday night raves and their consequent blackouts. Hook-ups (yes, despite coming from a sheltered background). Debt from stupid financial decisions. A shoddy first apartment where you have to bang on the TV for it to run cable. Just an absolute mess.
Then, you get here, and you realize that while it is messy, it’s not the kind of messy you’ve prepared for. Because in place of external mess, so much of the mess I’ve experienced – and I’m still experiencing as a twenty-five year old – has been internal. They show you raves but don’t tell you about the self-doubt you feel when other people start spending their Friday nights with their husband and new baby. They show you hook-ups but don’t tell you about all the years you spend wondering if you’re worthy beyond your body.
While I’m aware that this is a case-to-basis, I don’t think it’s far-fetched to think that a lot of people in their twenties see their worst fears and insecurities magnified during this time. And, the way I see it, you can either wallow in self-pity. Or you can, and this has been my biggest learning in this stage of my life, just take it easy.
For the first time in your life, you and your peers are moving in such different directions and at such different speeds. Find a way to not only be at peace with yours but to actually love and celebrate it. There may be irreversible mistakes. There may be paralyzing heartbreak. But there is also so much head-spinning, transformative joy to be found in this period of self-discovery.
So, take it easy. Trust me; you’ll be fine.
GABEE
Take more walks and make time for many, many pitstops.
Every evening, I make a cup of green tea and sit on my balcony, watching people walk up and down my street. Living in a small, relatively unknown Spanish city, I've noticed life passes slower here—the day takes longer, with the sun beautifully setting at half past eight nowadays. The locals walk without haste, at a pace so leisurely my tea will have oversteeped by the time they make a turn around the corner, out of my line of view.
I realized that my twenties should have more of these walks, aimless and unrushed. There are so many strangers to smile at, so many dogs to pat, so many flowers to stop and smell, and only so many minutes of sun to bask in.
Surround yourself with people that genuinely value you in your life.
I think it was Phoebe Buffay (a goddess, an icon) who famously said, "Boyfriends and girlfriends are gonna come and go, but this is for life." Not everyone has a Joey Tribbiani, but everyone has that one person whose space in their life is so necessary to their survival. Find them and keep them and love them and cherish them! Tell them they are important to you because life is that short.
In my case, my mother, my grandma, my aunts, my girlfriends—these are the best people in my universe. Girlhood ties us together in ways no one else can understand. Because of them, I know in my heart that soulmates aren’t always romantic.
Everywhere you go, learn at least three things in the local language. I usually go for some form of greeting, 'Please' and 'Thank you.'
I've had some of the sweetest conversations of my life speaking with my terrible, broken linguistic skills, and that goes to say how powerful language is (even when I’m a struggling A2 speaker). The person you're talking to will really appreciate that you went the extra mile to make a connection.
Be gentle with yourself.
It’s easy to get caught up in relentless ambition. The world is so noisy when you're a young and insecure twenty-year-old, and that's magnified even further by the competitive space our generation creates online. But remember—you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now.
There's no point in hurrying. As cliché as it sounds, take life one step at a time. We're all moving in different paces and we're not all even on the same road. So forgive yourself for the mistakes you've made, the breaks you inevitably need to make and learn to love your rare existence.
The biggest thing I learned in my 20s was to cut myself some slack.
Being too hard on yourself is such a waste, especially during a decade that is essentially for learning who you are and what you want. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to have missteps. But those will help build you into the person you want to become.
If you’re lucky, you have so much more life ahead of you. You don’t have to have it all figured out by the day you turn 29. And your youth certainly isn’t over when the clock strikes 25. That big issue you’re dealing with? It’s not a quarter life crisis—it’s just another bump in the road, of which you’ll have many. So, so many!
And so what if you didn’t achieve what you thought you would by a particular age? The world won’t end. Sometimes, good things take time. A lot of time. And that’s okay. My dreams didn’t come true in my 20s, and to be completely honest, I’m glad they didn’t. I needed more time, more life, more experience to be able to put my best self out there.
So let your 20s be for learning. For experiencing. For tasting and feeling and loving and listening. You don’t have to have it all figured out. Be gentle with yourself. You’ll still make it all happen.
(Also, wear your sunscreen. That’s the only thing you shouldn’t cut yourself any slack on.)
I’m not halfway through this decade yet, but when I think back to the person I was at eighteen and compare her to who I am now, I can see how I’ve slowly started to come into myself and I’m so grateful for it. I’m sure I’ll say the same thing ten years from now about who I am today. What have I learned in my twenties so far? Enough to get earn two degrees, at the very least. About myself? I’ve stopped bending over backwards for others and I’ve stopped feeling guilty for not doing so. I read something recently about the glamorisation of solo dates and the mindset of not needing others inherently, to find comfort in your own skin, and the entire article was about how selfish it is and how isolating that sort of mindset it is. I don’t know who wrote it, but clearly they’re an extrovert… And while I won’t cancel plans last minute I’ve also stopped saying yes to everything.
Moving abroad for university thrust me into an unfamiliar environment where I had to adapt quickly to find a social circle, and over the years I’ve found that I’m much happier with two to three close friends than I am with a group of ten. They say your twenties are supposed to be your wild years, your fun years, your party years- call me boring, but I’d rather chill in bed with a book and a cup of tea than in a club getting lashed (I’ve experienced both firsthand, trust me). The bottom line is - I’ve learned how to be comfortable with my own company, and I’ve learned to stop waiting for other people to do what makes me happy. When I finished my degree and found myself with an unimaginable amount of time to do whatever I wanted, I took myself out to watch a production of Shakespeare’s The Tempest in the pouring rain and that evening will forever be a core memory.
Interestingly, I feel less certain about the future at twenty-four than I did at eighteen. High school for me was great at pointing me towards one career path. I stuck with it throughout university because once you’re halfway through a six-year degree, you tell yourself what’s three more years when I’ve already got the other three behind me? But the idea of pursuing something else has lingered, and although the future is now much more uncertain for me in terms of career path, it has also made me realise the opportunity I have to build a life I’m proud of. The ultimate goal isn’t happiness - I think it’s unrealistic. Nobody can be happy constantly. But I want a life where I’m excited for the day ahead every morning. I feel that way moreso than I did at eighteen. My goals have shifted from the hustle-grind mentality to seeking something a little more fulfilling. The universe tells you- especially in my career (medicine) that it should be your life. Sorry, my life is more than just work- there’s so much else to discover in this world, so many things I still want to do (I have to keep reminding myself I’m still ?young). Basically, keep your childlike curiosity with you. Don’t let it leave you, because it’ll often be a catalyst to change, and how on earth can anyone grow as a person if they aren’t open to change? It’s a good thing, I promise.
And lastly, if you’re panicked, faced with a big life decision, or feeling guilty because you think you’ve gone the wrong way at a crossroads, take a minute to breathe. You can always step off the path and carve out your own among the weeds. Things will work out in the end, if not always in the way we expect.
MEI
20s are kind of magical. it’s the first time you’re an adult, it’s the first time you’re in love, it’s the first time you take yourself seriously, it’s the first time you do so many stupid things you regret in the moment but will cherish looking back.
everyone’s an idiot, and everyone’s kind of innocent. everyone is trying to get their shit together, and everyone looks kind of put together but isn’t really.
enjoy being young and innocent. enjoy having autonomy and making mistakes that don’t really matter.
enjoy the romance of not knowing, but have faith that you’ll always get to where you’re meant to be.
LOREA
When we’re young, each year brings new experiences that teach us about the world. So much is unexplored. We feel called to learn about the people & places & things around us. Our mid-twenties are ages where this starts to slow down. It is a time where you learn more about yourself than the world around you.
It isn’t that there is less to learn; you’re just in a different place now. Everyone you know is in a profoundly distinct position & point of their life from everyone else you know. It’s an awkward in-between. You have never known more people, & yet you are somehow uniquely, precisely alone in your existence. It is all but sanctioned by the universe that you have a quarter-life crisis. You might as well lean into it.
In my mid-twenties, frequent stand-offs with said crisis have allowed me to more deeply understand:
My faults. The bad habits that I hope to rid myself of.
My passions. The seeds I’d like to water in the years to come.
My priorities. The people & experiences that I think of most often.
These topics are not always the most pleasant or thrilling, but when they enter your mind this year, indulge them. There is ample opportunity to grow when we understand these things about ourselves. As you leave 23 behind, let us reflect together on how we might do so:
Be honest with yourself. If there are things you feel you should do (or not do), the least you can do is give yourself the grace to acknowledge them.
Nurture & care for your future self. We are young enough that our shortcomings & poor habits have been merciful, but let us not take advantage of the limited generosity of time. Be a good friend to the you of the days to come.
Trust your gut. It has gotten you this far, & look how wonderful you’ve turned out. Deep down you know what you love, so do it. & while you’re at it, give yourself some credit.
Slow down & enjoy the view. You have never been so aware of the rapid passage of time, & yet, tragically, you will never again be so unaware of it. Don’t let it slip. Treasure your parents, your friends, your grandparents, & yourself. Prioritize memories over instant gratification. Enjoy things rather than dread them. Every moment is meaningful; relish in this.
postlude
No article links for this week (because it’s already so long), but here are 15 articles on growing up! I’ll try to link as many as I can for next week’s postcard <3
love,
elle
I created an account in this app because of you. I'm 21, and I feel like I'm entering that phase of being the loneliest and happiest I've ever been at the same time, I'm near graduation and beginning to think about how on earth am I gonna move out from my parents' house, everything feels so close and so far at the same time. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for appearing in my life at this time so I can read what you write, it truly gets to my heart and soul 🤍
This is honestly a curation of super insightful perspectives. You are so lucky to have so many thoughtful people around you! 💛