Even my therapist and I *always* talk about how horrible "therapy-speak" is. Truly, what a conundrum. Advice and vocabulary are all well and good, but every situation is complex. I've backed off from friendships for a variety of reasons without diagnosing every aspect of the process. That's what everyone is looking for, really: a diagnosis, a quantifiable relief. Dopamine!
Someone once wrote, when X used to be Twitter, that it wasn't true that no one owed anyone thing. You owe people kindness and respect at the bare minimum. Or course barring any negativity or ill-manners on their part.
I try not to talk bad about social media, because I am on it all of the time and I have gotten quite a bit of useful information/new paradigms from various platforms. But I think the quickness and sense of impermanence leads to a bit of sloganeering. Couple this with therapy speak and we have a recipe for concepts like "quiet quitting friendships."
I think this era may be a massive growing pain--we're realizing we may not have had the best boundaries before, realized we were to wedded to be ideas of being some kind of "good" (especially women) and are now trying to figure out how to be our "authentic selves" amid a media culture of quick bites and endless idea to try on.
Really like this post, Elle! I have thought about this a lot previously and happy that girls in their early twenties such as you are talking about this and sharing their thoughts on the negative effects of therapy speak and HR language in a friendship as well as keeping it open for a conversation. Sometimes I thought you were simply indulging in writing posts indefinitely flaunting the information(in terms of articles, your lists and other types of media you shared) and items that you hold in possession and earned the access to. As a regular reader of your substack, it would be warming to see you going farther past the general idea or the images of what you come across since you love literature and engage with art.. like sharing your interaction with a certain painting. We could all share our thoughts too, making it more engaging.
thanks! please keep in mind though that this substack was made because people wanted me to share list from my notes app. most of my essays on literature and art pieces are analytical rather than personal because that's what i prefer!
This was such a good topic. I haven't heard of the "quiet quitting" term but I have definitely seen it in action (from myself and others). Thank you Elle 🩷
This is beautiful! This makes me realize how grateful I am to have a few good friends and we communicate properly when ever we want a little break, say if we decide to cancel plans simply because we are feeling down. I remember this one time when four of us had decided to go someplace. It was decided quite some time ago so that we could all manage our time. One of our friends texted one night before that she did not want to socialize and wanted some time alone. We all understood and said we will make a different plan again when she was free. In group chats too, if one of us does not reply, we take it as a hint that the person probably does not feel like it. We give them the space they need, and try to be there when she needs us.
"Being the guardian of another person's hope." Dang. I love that.
And I enjoyed the take on how people misapply concepts in therapy toward interactions (I find this typically happens just before or during confrontation). I personally know the benefits of therapy, but haven't been able to pin-point why I've grown to dislike when people start using the jargon I'd hear when I studied Psychology for my bachelors and masters.
I think people try to apply these concepts out of avoidance (quiet quitting in the name of personal boundaries), or attempt of getting the concept application correct. Possibly, to the people trying to apply boundaries but have yet to articulate their true desire (harmony in relationship), "correct application" just means they get what they want out of it. With the ghosting method, they get the immediate reward of wiping out the problem by wiping out the relationship (let's just burn it to the ground).
With correct application of boundary, they must first feel uncomfortable as they dissect the issue, then put forth the care and energy toward either creating and maintaining a new boundary, or admitting their part in the riff. That's the sucky part that no amount of sessions they attend a week can do on their behalf.
The article thoughtfully explores the complexities of friendships and how modern "therapy speak" can sometimes distance us from meaningful connections. I appreciate the nuanced take on boundaries and self-care—it’s true that relationships should not become transactional. Friendship thrives on mutual love, trust, and understanding, not buzzwords or excuses. The reminder that real friendships are about being there for one another, even when life gets tough, resonated deeply with me. It's important to prioritize communication and kindness, rather than opting for the easy way out through concepts like "quiet quitting."
As a 51 year old, “quiet quitting” a friendship does have a certain resonance with me - perhaps not in the intended fashion. I’ve noticed friendships sometimes only last for a certain life chapter (college, or when your child is this age versus that age, or during a certain role). Rather than fight the drift, sometimes I’ve quiet-quit. This happens usually in response to noticing a string of hollow “we should catch ups” for a year or more and deciding for my own good not to push it and reach out anymore.
Even my therapist and I *always* talk about how horrible "therapy-speak" is. Truly, what a conundrum. Advice and vocabulary are all well and good, but every situation is complex. I've backed off from friendships for a variety of reasons without diagnosing every aspect of the process. That's what everyone is looking for, really: a diagnosis, a quantifiable relief. Dopamine!
Someone once wrote, when X used to be Twitter, that it wasn't true that no one owed anyone thing. You owe people kindness and respect at the bare minimum. Or course barring any negativity or ill-manners on their part.
I try not to talk bad about social media, because I am on it all of the time and I have gotten quite a bit of useful information/new paradigms from various platforms. But I think the quickness and sense of impermanence leads to a bit of sloganeering. Couple this with therapy speak and we have a recipe for concepts like "quiet quitting friendships."
I think this era may be a massive growing pain--we're realizing we may not have had the best boundaries before, realized we were to wedded to be ideas of being some kind of "good" (especially women) and are now trying to figure out how to be our "authentic selves" amid a media culture of quick bites and endless idea to try on.
i think we as a society tend to overcorrect, and this is the case for this situation too. thank you for reading!
Dear Elle,
The intimacy of your writing is inspiring and enlivening. Never lose the section things i love, never lose the sincerity.
thank you!
Really like this post, Elle! I have thought about this a lot previously and happy that girls in their early twenties such as you are talking about this and sharing their thoughts on the negative effects of therapy speak and HR language in a friendship as well as keeping it open for a conversation. Sometimes I thought you were simply indulging in writing posts indefinitely flaunting the information(in terms of articles, your lists and other types of media you shared) and items that you hold in possession and earned the access to. As a regular reader of your substack, it would be warming to see you going farther past the general idea or the images of what you come across since you love literature and engage with art.. like sharing your interaction with a certain painting. We could all share our thoughts too, making it more engaging.
thanks! please keep in mind though that this substack was made because people wanted me to share list from my notes app. most of my essays on literature and art pieces are analytical rather than personal because that's what i prefer!
This was such a good topic. I haven't heard of the "quiet quitting" term but I have definitely seen it in action (from myself and others). Thank you Elle 🩷
thank you for reading lauren! <3
I'm rewatching Grey's for the one billionth time right now, i always stop at season 12 tho. really great piece btw 💜
i watched it until s17, which was the weird covid season, and then gave up so now i just watch until s8
i loved this piece very much
thank you!!
This is beautiful! This makes me realize how grateful I am to have a few good friends and we communicate properly when ever we want a little break, say if we decide to cancel plans simply because we are feeling down. I remember this one time when four of us had decided to go someplace. It was decided quite some time ago so that we could all manage our time. One of our friends texted one night before that she did not want to socialize and wanted some time alone. We all understood and said we will make a different plan again when she was free. In group chats too, if one of us does not reply, we take it as a hint that the person probably does not feel like it. We give them the space they need, and try to be there when she needs us.
"Being the guardian of another person's hope." Dang. I love that.
And I enjoyed the take on how people misapply concepts in therapy toward interactions (I find this typically happens just before or during confrontation). I personally know the benefits of therapy, but haven't been able to pin-point why I've grown to dislike when people start using the jargon I'd hear when I studied Psychology for my bachelors and masters.
I think people try to apply these concepts out of avoidance (quiet quitting in the name of personal boundaries), or attempt of getting the concept application correct. Possibly, to the people trying to apply boundaries but have yet to articulate their true desire (harmony in relationship), "correct application" just means they get what they want out of it. With the ghosting method, they get the immediate reward of wiping out the problem by wiping out the relationship (let's just burn it to the ground).
With correct application of boundary, they must first feel uncomfortable as they dissect the issue, then put forth the care and energy toward either creating and maintaining a new boundary, or admitting their part in the riff. That's the sucky part that no amount of sessions they attend a week can do on their behalf.
I teared up at this. We are lucky to have beautiful friendships in our life <3
The article thoughtfully explores the complexities of friendships and how modern "therapy speak" can sometimes distance us from meaningful connections. I appreciate the nuanced take on boundaries and self-care—it’s true that relationships should not become transactional. Friendship thrives on mutual love, trust, and understanding, not buzzwords or excuses. The reminder that real friendships are about being there for one another, even when life gets tough, resonated deeply with me. It's important to prioritize communication and kindness, rather than opting for the easy way out through concepts like "quiet quitting."
"Threads of Truth"
i really really love how you set out your posts!! much inspired 💗
As a 51 year old, “quiet quitting” a friendship does have a certain resonance with me - perhaps not in the intended fashion. I’ve noticed friendships sometimes only last for a certain life chapter (college, or when your child is this age versus that age, or during a certain role). Rather than fight the drift, sometimes I’ve quiet-quit. This happens usually in response to noticing a string of hollow “we should catch ups” for a year or more and deciding for my own good not to push it and reach out anymore.
Something so simple is forgotten often in a self obsessed world
Just followed you on Letterboxd, Elle! Excited to keep up with what films you rec.
Just finding your writing and I cannot love it enough. Thank you for all that you share. It resonates. 🖤