“If someone doesn’t like me for an arbitrary reason, there is genuinely nothing I could have done to prevent it.”
My whole life I’ve been described as a confident, independent, and intelligent by those around me; the common uplifting words that parents use to make their children, more specifically their daughters, feel good about themselves. As I am a very independent person, I’ve always hated making new friends because of how hard it is to ‘get yourself out there’, and because of this I hold all my friendships close to my chest.
I recently turned twenty, and now as a young woman, I find my thoughts often stray to my friends, and what they might think of me. This whole summer I’ve spent mostly alone-my college town is completely cleared out for the summer- and have had a lot of time to think about my friends, and to think about how they perceive me. My biggest fear is being disliked, I’ve always hated the thought of being disliked ever since I knew I could hate something. It makes me sick to my stomach imagining my friends harboring contempt for me, over something that I’m unaware that I’ve done. The phrase ‘they’re pretending to like you’ is often playing on repeat in my head, along with every little mistake I’ve ever made. This is an incredibly self-loathing and self-centered mental space, and I am actively working towards fixing it.
One of the biggest things that have helped is realizing exactly what your then friend had conveyed, nobody cares. Sure the thought of being disliked sucks, but who cares? I shine this huge spotlight on myself to critique every part of me, when in reality no one gives me a second glance. If my friends truly disliked me, that’s not my fault, it’d be something arbitrary, completely out of my hands.
Reading posts like this help me twist my head on right because I know I’m not the only one thinking like this. As you said, we’re egocentric creatures, forced to always be looking at our faults, maybe to fix them, maybe to pick at them and make them worse, that’s up to you to decide.
I too love tortoise shell accessories, every pair of glasses I’ve had since I was twelve have been tortoise shell <3
this was so charming and funny to read bc I’ve ALSO pulled out all my eyelashes on my left eye in the same way…and I was so self-conscious about it! for nothing!
enjoyed this reflection and the links you shared (especially the Aeon essay about Margaret Macdonald and philosophy as art!)
ah thank you so much!! and I really enjoy your newsletter as well—especially the latest one on who gets to be a writer & thinking of Substack “as more of a treasure trove than a wasteland” (which is exactly how I feel! lots of interesting writing here that emerges out of someone’s deeply held passions and interests)
i loved reading this so much! it made me reflect so much about my own life and about getting older. Great writing always gets us thinking!! Thank you so much for this! 💌🥹✨
This type of mindset has stayed with a lot especially what my parents think about it leaving the rest of people. It got way more mattered to what my parents think about me all the time, and it started grewing on me that I had to know every single detail about me from them which in turn let to "I can't change for them completely" but then I realised I can't please everyone and like you mentioned in your postcard as well nobody actually cares, maybe it's all in my head most of the time and I am still working on this to not let it bother me so much.
Thank you so much Elle for writing on this. I feel now I am not alone in this....
“If someone doesn’t like me for an arbitrary reason, there is genuinely nothing I could have done to prevent it.”
My whole life I’ve been described as a confident, independent, and intelligent by those around me; the common uplifting words that parents use to make their children, more specifically their daughters, feel good about themselves. As I am a very independent person, I’ve always hated making new friends because of how hard it is to ‘get yourself out there’, and because of this I hold all my friendships close to my chest.
I recently turned twenty, and now as a young woman, I find my thoughts often stray to my friends, and what they might think of me. This whole summer I’ve spent mostly alone-my college town is completely cleared out for the summer- and have had a lot of time to think about my friends, and to think about how they perceive me. My biggest fear is being disliked, I’ve always hated the thought of being disliked ever since I knew I could hate something. It makes me sick to my stomach imagining my friends harboring contempt for me, over something that I’m unaware that I’ve done. The phrase ‘they’re pretending to like you’ is often playing on repeat in my head, along with every little mistake I’ve ever made. This is an incredibly self-loathing and self-centered mental space, and I am actively working towards fixing it.
One of the biggest things that have helped is realizing exactly what your then friend had conveyed, nobody cares. Sure the thought of being disliked sucks, but who cares? I shine this huge spotlight on myself to critique every part of me, when in reality no one gives me a second glance. If my friends truly disliked me, that’s not my fault, it’d be something arbitrary, completely out of my hands.
Reading posts like this help me twist my head on right because I know I’m not the only one thinking like this. As you said, we’re egocentric creatures, forced to always be looking at our faults, maybe to fix them, maybe to pick at them and make them worse, that’s up to you to decide.
I too love tortoise shell accessories, every pair of glasses I’ve had since I was twelve have been tortoise shell <3
thank you so so much for sharing this <3
i love this so much 💘 i feel this sentiment sooooo deeply and i definitely agree that as i’ve gotten older my mindset has changed
yes!!! it really is just a part of growing up i think
Well written! Thanks for sharing this, I really enjoy reading things that come from a real and honest place.
thank you!
Super thoughtful article! It's making me think back why I was self conscious as a teen now. It's part of the growing pains as a teen 🥹
right? it's so odd reflecting back on it
i adore this!! love all ur recos 🪩🦢
thank you!
such beautiful writing and such a gorgeous postcard full of art, thoughts and culture! it's been a real delight to read!
thank you so much!
this was so charming and funny to read bc I’ve ALSO pulled out all my eyelashes on my left eye in the same way…and I was so self-conscious about it! for nothing!
enjoyed this reflection and the links you shared (especially the Aeon essay about Margaret Macdonald and philosophy as art!)
celine!!! i love your substack!!!! thank you so much for reading <3
ah thank you so much!! and I really enjoy your newsletter as well—especially the latest one on who gets to be a writer & thinking of Substack “as more of a treasure trove than a wasteland” (which is exactly how I feel! lots of interesting writing here that emerges out of someone’s deeply held passions and interests)
Thank you for sharing so honestly. 🩷
thank you!
i loved reading this so much! it made me reflect so much about my own life and about getting older. Great writing always gets us thinking!! Thank you so much for this! 💌🥹✨
thank you so much amanda!!
actually the realest i need to stop thinking ab myself sm
i feel like i think about myself but not much of what others think of me anymore and it's so freeing
I reread my diaries 11-17 and my preoccupation with myself is both astounding and hilarious. I relate to 15 year old me
This type of mindset has stayed with a lot especially what my parents think about it leaving the rest of people. It got way more mattered to what my parents think about me all the time, and it started grewing on me that I had to know every single detail about me from them which in turn let to "I can't change for them completely" but then I realised I can't please everyone and like you mentioned in your postcard as well nobody actually cares, maybe it's all in my head most of the time and I am still working on this to not let it bother me so much.
Thank you so much Elle for writing on this. I feel now I am not alone in this....
It took me so long to learn this lesson!! and I always need refreshers ❤️
Also your substack has such a nice aesthetic ❤️I absolutely love it