I love this so much! It took me about 25 years, but I finally realized in dating that the whole “game” was pointless. If you can only get someone to like you through nonchalance, then what happens when you actually start dating? When they realize you are in fact, not chill at all? My friends have called me one of the least chill people they know (a compliment!) and if a relationship is going to work out, the person I’m dating needs to know that right away, lest they be SHOCKED a few months in haha. So around 25 I just started being my full self right off the bat. Some guys loved it, some guys did not. But now I’ve found an amazing guy who adores my total lack of chill 💕 phew! That was a lot haha— but as I said, I have no chill 😂
Elle, you've outlined one of modern society's deepest issues superbly! I never understood those "games" people play when dating. What's the point of looking for love when we put extra layers of ego-protecting slop on top of our already well-worn mask? It's infuriating how little time we have here yet we can't express the full capacity of our being. That's why I'm always myself, without apologizing for it. If somebody's right for me, they'll love that part. But why isn't everyone with the same mindset??? You're asking the same thing and it's... Oh you know what, fuck it. I'm glad there's people like you. Fuck being nonchalant. Be a sun, radiating as much as it can.
YES YES YES YES YES!!! This is such an important piece of thought processing and writing. I’ve been thinking the same recently too - why are we told to feel embarrassed and ashamed for feelings that we should be so excited and grateful to have? It’s a rarity to be lit up by someone so much that they permeate the very ways in which we communicate with them and those around us. What joy! It’s so special yet seen so often as off putting and excessive? Maybe it has more to do with pace of relationship (romantic or platonic) movement than the enthusiasm. I think people have turned fear into nonchalance and perceived egotism, and by extension avoidance.
oh, I felt this deeply. I've long believed we should banish the idea of nonchalance to a cold icy death. I do know I am an acquired taste because of my inability to present myself at any other level than 100% me — which by other judgments means I'm loud, I'm annoying, and I talk too much. I've never felt uncomfortable with that, but I have always juggled the fear of being disliked or unsettling others because of my authenticity. but why should I, or any of us, want to be LESS of what and who we are? if I want to text someone I love them daily or I am moved to tears over something remedial like a couple holding hands or ducks in a pond, there is no reason to be "chill." even when I am at my lowest, I remind myself, I would rather feel everything than feel nothing. if that means we are not understood by everyone, so be it. I know we will find the people who do. a delightful read, as always xoxo
p.s. the idea of people using AI to send texts to their crushes — let alone anyone — makes me SICK!!! long live text messages the length of novels and voice memos over 20+ minutes!!!
Keep on being chalant, Elle! I often think I'm a chill person because I try to go with the flow, but underneath it I'm passionate about a lot of things and I wouldn't change that. I remember a few years ago I was at work, and a group of my coworkers were rolling their eyes at a video of high school girls going to their prom and getting excited about it. Apparently it was too much and the excitement was cringey. I was so confused at the time, thinking what's so bad about being excited and expressing your happiness? As you said, those kinds of feelings are what make humanity so beautiful.
Are all the girls going through the same shit? Because I just rage-wrote something similar on my Substack (though it is hardly as precise and articulated as your piece). I have been told to calm down/chill out for caring. I hate it when the opposite person is so indifferent that it makes my behaviour look like hysteria!
Love love love this . I think nonchalance is mostly a defence mechanism of sorts for some? Not caring much about something means you would get less hurt right ?
However nonchalance keeps you caged in a glass chamber watching the rest of the world around you . There comes a sense of having no connection or belonging , leaving you alone and lonely and cold.
The whole reason to be alive is to be happy and have connections and belong and care .
Getting out of that freezing coat of nonchalance is a pretty hard thing to do but i dont want to give up .
Feeling very intensly about this, especially the "just chill" statement and the feelings of shame attached to it. I feel this, i love this, i relate ugh. Within yours words i think "this is who i am" and I'm so affirmed to see that my thoughts are shared with other like minded people
Funny how I found your postcard right when I'm texting this new guy and right when I'm in the middle of reading Sally Rooney's Beautiful World, Where Are You. It's almost as if your postcard found me, instead.
I'm kinda new to the dating scene, so I do not completely understand its "game" yet, but I know there's this weird set of rules behind it that you're supposed to follow.
I'm trying to go by the rules, mostly because I don't know much about this guy, so I find it easier this way. And it gets me thinking, like, is he playing this game too? Following unsaid rules to seem nonchalant? This is actually a dating app kinda situation, so maybe it's alright. But if we ever end up meeting, I think nonchalance would actually turn me off, you know? If he's not interested in me, then I just end up losing any interest I might have.
If we're not "stupid about each other", then I don't want it.
I'm new on your blog, but I can't wait to read more from you <3
Thank you for this post... - coming from someone who was shunned a lot for their behaviors and now practices the same self-abuse on themselves. Reading your post is a step towards ending this cycle of tapestry of self-hatred.
ate some glass and now i don’t know what to do.
you gotta bleed the nonchalance out...it's ancient tradition
ok ok i'll lay on the floor and try to look cool while i lower myself down
I love this so much! It took me about 25 years, but I finally realized in dating that the whole “game” was pointless. If you can only get someone to like you through nonchalance, then what happens when you actually start dating? When they realize you are in fact, not chill at all? My friends have called me one of the least chill people they know (a compliment!) and if a relationship is going to work out, the person I’m dating needs to know that right away, lest they be SHOCKED a few months in haha. So around 25 I just started being my full self right off the bat. Some guys loved it, some guys did not. But now I’ve found an amazing guy who adores my total lack of chill 💕 phew! That was a lot haha— but as I said, I have no chill 😂
Elle, you've outlined one of modern society's deepest issues superbly! I never understood those "games" people play when dating. What's the point of looking for love when we put extra layers of ego-protecting slop on top of our already well-worn mask? It's infuriating how little time we have here yet we can't express the full capacity of our being. That's why I'm always myself, without apologizing for it. If somebody's right for me, they'll love that part. But why isn't everyone with the same mindset??? You're asking the same thing and it's... Oh you know what, fuck it. I'm glad there's people like you. Fuck being nonchalant. Be a sun, radiating as much as it can.
yes!
YES YES YES YES YES!!! This is such an important piece of thought processing and writing. I’ve been thinking the same recently too - why are we told to feel embarrassed and ashamed for feelings that we should be so excited and grateful to have? It’s a rarity to be lit up by someone so much that they permeate the very ways in which we communicate with them and those around us. What joy! It’s so special yet seen so often as off putting and excessive? Maybe it has more to do with pace of relationship (romantic or platonic) movement than the enthusiasm. I think people have turned fear into nonchalance and perceived egotism, and by extension avoidance.
exactly!!! you worded it so well
We should all be more chalant
exactly
oh, I felt this deeply. I've long believed we should banish the idea of nonchalance to a cold icy death. I do know I am an acquired taste because of my inability to present myself at any other level than 100% me — which by other judgments means I'm loud, I'm annoying, and I talk too much. I've never felt uncomfortable with that, but I have always juggled the fear of being disliked or unsettling others because of my authenticity. but why should I, or any of us, want to be LESS of what and who we are? if I want to text someone I love them daily or I am moved to tears over something remedial like a couple holding hands or ducks in a pond, there is no reason to be "chill." even when I am at my lowest, I remind myself, I would rather feel everything than feel nothing. if that means we are not understood by everyone, so be it. I know we will find the people who do. a delightful read, as always xoxo
p.s. the idea of people using AI to send texts to their crushes — let alone anyone — makes me SICK!!! long live text messages the length of novels and voice memos over 20+ minutes!!!
Keep on being chalant, Elle! I often think I'm a chill person because I try to go with the flow, but underneath it I'm passionate about a lot of things and I wouldn't change that. I remember a few years ago I was at work, and a group of my coworkers were rolling their eyes at a video of high school girls going to their prom and getting excited about it. Apparently it was too much and the excitement was cringey. I was so confused at the time, thinking what's so bad about being excited and expressing your happiness? As you said, those kinds of feelings are what make humanity so beautiful.
👏🏼
Are all the girls going through the same shit? Because I just rage-wrote something similar on my Substack (though it is hardly as precise and articulated as your piece). I have been told to calm down/chill out for caring. I hate it when the opposite person is so indifferent that it makes my behaviour look like hysteria!
Love love love this . I think nonchalance is mostly a defence mechanism of sorts for some? Not caring much about something means you would get less hurt right ?
However nonchalance keeps you caged in a glass chamber watching the rest of the world around you . There comes a sense of having no connection or belonging , leaving you alone and lonely and cold.
The whole reason to be alive is to be happy and have connections and belong and care .
Getting out of that freezing coat of nonchalance is a pretty hard thing to do but i dont want to give up .
i agree!!!
Feeling very intensly about this, especially the "just chill" statement and the feelings of shame attached to it. I feel this, i love this, i relate ugh. Within yours words i think "this is who i am" and I'm so affirmed to see that my thoughts are shared with other like minded people
Wow loved this one! Thanks for a great read :)
thank you for reading!
i love this so much
thank you!!
Funny how I found your postcard right when I'm texting this new guy and right when I'm in the middle of reading Sally Rooney's Beautiful World, Where Are You. It's almost as if your postcard found me, instead.
I'm kinda new to the dating scene, so I do not completely understand its "game" yet, but I know there's this weird set of rules behind it that you're supposed to follow.
I'm trying to go by the rules, mostly because I don't know much about this guy, so I find it easier this way. And it gets me thinking, like, is he playing this game too? Following unsaid rules to seem nonchalant? This is actually a dating app kinda situation, so maybe it's alright. But if we ever end up meeting, I think nonchalance would actually turn me off, you know? If he's not interested in me, then I just end up losing any interest I might have.
If we're not "stupid about each other", then I don't want it.
I'm new on your blog, but I can't wait to read more from you <3
i totally agree! in hindsight, it was such a stupid thing to even worry about. my best advice is: don't be nonchalant! be chalant!
Thank you for this post... - coming from someone who was shunned a lot for their behaviors and now practices the same self-abuse on themselves. Reading your post is a step towards ending this cycle of tapestry of self-hatred.
Loved this post so much!