Such a good read, the ending questions are absolutely brilliant. The patriarchy relies on women’s silence, whether by intimidation or force. This piece is an act of defiance, thank you for writing it.
Suffrage ultimately required the consent of men, and equity/equality will also require the worth of men (in addition to all the work generations of women have put in).
I’d like to think of myself as an ally in this endeavor, and I am humbled by the women, like Pelicot currently, who have gone beyond to bring attention to the problems in our culture.
I’d hope more men recognize the implicit bias (cultural/social/familial/etc) and do the work to globally treat women more like we’d insist our mothers/sisters/daughters be treated.
This is a great piece, well written and well said. You are right, the horrifying examples are always just that...horrifying, but every single incident is horrifying actually. I support that you don't reach a clear conclusion because there is no such thing. I too feel that this is a problem with no solution and it's terrifying that this culture is so insidious. I agree that no matter how loud we are, it will take a sea change in how men, including all of the good ones, deal with these issues before we really see a difference.
Beautifully done, Elle, with the ugliest of subjects. You nailed that ending, even without a solutions. Those questions. You’ve got it.
It hurts me to say the good men in my life - my husband, my sons - aren’t talking about this at all. The Pelicot case, the rise in misogyny. My husband says ‘it doesn’t affect you’. Yet it does. All women are affected by a society that routinely diminishes and attacks them, then holds them responsible for that.
It’s always us women asking, begging, screaming, reporting, learning to fight and protect ourselves, limiting our space and wants and needs, avoiding dangerous places and situations, saying no, “being a bi*ch”.
Women should go to a self defence class; they have to be wary; they should dress and behave "properly"; they shouldn't be out at night. It's not required to men to renounce to something, to abstain themselves. Why should I, the woman, be the one limiting my life for fear of danger?
And it's definitely true that "not all men", but it's also definitely true that is "many of them".
I want men to be aware, responsible, accountable. And yet so many men laugh at nasty jokes and innuendos, or stay silent, or look the other way. Women have been saying the same things for YEARS and yet the same sh*t happens . Many men aknowledge the authority of other men oly: that's why MEN could (and should) be great allies.
There's been a brutal SA case in India that everybody's been speaking about. It's affected nearly every woman I know and processing it has been difficult. Everything that you've written is what I've been trying to put into words. This is a great essay, sums it up just right. And you shouldn't worry about the men; any good human will emphasize. Any bad one won't.
It is a proven fact that someone who suffers a traumatic event usually has their memory impaired (to varying degrees). During trauma the brain & body go into survival mode. Hearing and peripheral vision may be reduced. It takes time for the brain to “file” things in proper order. Some pieces may or may not be remembered later. How people react may not reflect what we anticipate. These are “survival mode” responses. Reason (logic) is suppressed.
Law enforcement officers experience the same thing. In some jurisdictions they cannot be interviewed after a trauma until they have a complete a sleep cycle. The same concern is seldom extended to people who are traumatized - particularly women, even children.
10 yrs ago, give or take, I attended a training sessions on trauma and memory conducted by a certified law enforcement instructor & an RN who worked with sexual assault victims. It was offered to ‘justice system’ employees and victim advocates. The backbone of the training was a video re-enactment by an officer called to an active crime scene where another officer was killed. He was almost killed and later suffered from PTSD. It went through the events highlighting things he did in the moment. Firing his weapon into the floor where he lay. Perhaps to deny the perpetrator loaded weapons? Not part of his training & he did not know why he did it. He described gaps in his memory & difficulty putting events in order, emotional issues and his recovery.
The memory issues are pounced on as proof of telling a false narrative or not being able to remember their lies. All of this reinforces the ancient stereotypes that women in particular who tell inconvenient truths are not to be trusted. Sir Matthew Hale of the 1700s gifted us this philosophy among his other gifts such as open scorn for women; the denial of rape being possible for married women and the use of specters as evidence in convicting women to be burned at the stake as witches (which he maintained after others abandoned it. It was used during New England’s “witch trials.”)
It is long past time we abandoned what we know to be false: Sir Matthew Hale’s legal theories. I don’t really care if that makes Justice Alito sad.
I should add the officer was of course re-traumatized by doing this re-enactment. He was aware but did it as a way to show other officers it is not a sign of weakness to need help. This is the way we are wired. Also to explain that witnesses and victims of crime are experiencing the same things.
There is a biological basis for how trauma affects our bodies & brains. The emphasis is usually on children because their bodies and brains are developing. However, we all know, trauma harms everyone. Addiction is one of the major risks that come after trauma. It is also something used to stigmatize people who are hurting.
I was working in ‘policy’ and fortunate as a layperson to have access to licensed professionals who helped me develop materials for presentations and talking to a broad range of people. I found survivors were relieved to see the probable source of addiction, physical & mental health issues or other struggles; that there are “resilience factors” to help mitigate the risk factors - and to be able to explain it to their loved ones. They are not irredeemably flawed. Same for professionals who work with various populations.
thank you so much for writing and sharing this, elle. as gaby said, your voice echoes millions of women, including my own.
i grew up in a strict household because of my mother’s fears around men/people and what could happen to me. now, with more independence and freedom, i have kept my physical world small (not going out by myself, not going out at night, etc), on my own will, from the overwhelming fear i’ve developed myself from all the experiences i’ve read or heard about. only two weekends ago, i went out to the city by myself for the first time in a long time, and a man came up to me and said “nice shape” while eyeing me up and down. it wasn’t the first time i experienced something like this, but it was the first time i experienced it knowing what was happening. i was terrified it was going to get worse.
i wish there was a solution too. i wish it wasn’t women being afraid of leaving their home, or having to learn self-defence, or having to be hyper vigilant about their surroundings and the men they let into their life, or giving up before they even begin to try and stand up for themselves in court. i wish it didn’t have to be the bear, but it is. i wish that utopian society existed.
This is so eloquently written! I wholeheartedly support the fact that you don’t come to a conclusion or a decisive “this is what we should do to solve this problem”, because truthfully, as pessimistic as it may sound, there is no real solution to the problem we face. Solely a change in attitude might result in improvement, however as you said, little has changed in a large amount of time. The only difference we can make is bring further awareness to it. Giselle Pelicot has done so by forfeiting her anonymity and you have done so as well- by bravely posting this essay.
So thank you for that and thank you to all the other women who refuse to stay silent!
This is so well written and heartbreaking. I myself was thinking of writing something about this and this really motivated me to get started. You're so right for this. I've seen MY OWN MALE RELATIVES say that "she must've cut herself a few more times for the dramatic effect" when there was a headline of a women getting kidnapped, tortured and rapped who got away. There were 33 cuts on her arms. And that's what he said. That she must've hurt herself. When you talk about how horrible women get treated on video games and are hit with the "we all face toxic players. It's not that deep" "I think you're exaggerating". When you're scared of getting out the car because you're in your pajamas and what if a man sees that as an invitation? When rape jokes and "she must've slept with rhe boss to get that promotion" are things said on a daily basis. And if we get upset we're being 'too sensitive' and 'it's not that serious'. Its so insane w how much misogyny people get away with in the name of jokes, tradition, and normalcy. Tysm for writing this. It goes so in depth and is so real.
A great read. Thank you for writing this even though I’m sure it was emotionally taxing.
I believe the solution begins with 2 main focuses:
1) Accountability and Justice
2) Raising the next generation of boys to be radically empathetic and anti-violent.
Number 2 is never discussed, but it’s possibly the most important. I have a 7 year old daughter and have worked a lot with young children. I see how little boys are ALREADY aggressive and have a blatant disregard towards consent and boundaries. And the parents just brush it off as the norm or aren’t even present to supervise. It’s absolutely learned behavior (not innate) and it needs to end.
Unless you find a way to get rid of testosterone in men (pubescent teen boys in particular) male aggression isn't going anywhere. It's much easier to channel it through physical activity( boxing, rugby etc).
Women have testosterone too though in much lower levels. Men who don't rape have testosterone. Some men who have low testosterone rape. Some men who have high testosterone don't rape. As far back as the 18th Century Cesare Beccaria stated that the best deterrent of crime is the certainty of being caught quickly and punished appropriately. Men do not get caught except in rare circumstances. Men rape because they can.
These are great points. Female testosterone levels raise midway through the menstrual cycle and females don’t get more aggressive during that time. In fact it’s usually the time they are the happiest!
The science is very iffy on if testosterone causes aggression in human males. Now a days the consensus from biological and psychological experts seem to be that testosterone may have a role, but culture has a larger role. That is because higher testosterone seems to push an individual to seek higher social dominance, but the avenue is different depending on the current cultural dominance structures they are exposed to. So for example, lower income men in prison, tend to seek social dominance through aggressive means when they have higher testosterone, because that is the norm in that space. But wealthy men do not exhibit that same tendency, and neither do women, when they have high testosterone.
This fallacy seemed to have spread because of the roid rage condition. But it’s been found that the aggression of steroids most likely comes from altering thyroid hormones that is a side effect, not the higher testosterone. Thyroid hormones do show a direct correlation to aggression levels.
That being said, if it is a natural and innate gravitation towards aggression and violence that males have, there must be factors that reduce it - because there are plenty of boys and men who end up not violent. We need to do our due diligence and find out what those factors are and address them. And right now scientists and psychologists believe those factors are largely social and cultural. Which lucky for us, are factors we can all contribute to and change in our daily lives.
I find it hard to believe that testosterone isn't the primary cause of male aggression. If it is learned behaviour or as a result of our environment then why aren't women learning these behaviours as well? Why isn't the social environment also affecting women and girls in this way? Another question is who is teaching boys and men this behaviour? Throughout history women have generally been the primary care givers for children. In fact today the the majority of care givers and teachers/educators from early childhood development all the way up to tertiary education in universities are women. I don't see how they could be creating a social environment and raising boys in a way that is detrimental to women.
Because girls are raised in a vastly different way, pushed to different roles and types of media than boys. Anyone with eyes can see that. It starts in infant and toddler clothing. If you look through these clothing sections, boys have primarily predatory animals (sharks, t-rex, bears, crocodiles, lions), where girls get animals that have gentler nature (rabbits, deer, butterflies, sloths). Boys are given super heroes that use violence as a means to an end, where girls are pushed towards domestic tasks.
It’s definitely caused by everyone, not just men. Women are just as much to blame in how boys are raised. That’s why I’m discussing this as a mom and talk about it a lot to other parents, including other moms
You are definitely right the way boys are raised isn't ideal. I have never believed male aggression is a bad thing, I think the main issue is teaching them to channel it positively.
I agree, healthy outlets to release the aggression are a good idea. But I think that has more to do with men bottling up emotions because they are raised to do so. Women are permitted and even encouraged to talk to friends about their feelings, to cry, to feel things fully. Where men are really only permitted to release anger, and the rest of the feelings remain pent up. Changing our culture with how we raise boys would help with that as well!
such an amazing and validating read - it’s so important to draw attention to issues like this and more importantly, those feeling of discomfort and shame that victims and women feel can only be eradicated when we can talk about abuse without fear of backlash. Often we hear ‘it’s your fault’ ‘you’re too sensitive’ ‘he wants you, it’s a compliment’ and the experience of being a woman is secondary to the word of a man. Thank you for writing and sharing this piece on such a vital topic.
i have heard those lines countless amount of times from real men in my life, and the surprise and disappointment never subsides no matter how many. thank you so much for reading.
this is truly one of the most thoughtful, emotionally resonant and eloquent pieces i’ve read on substack. it’s SUCH a difficult topic to write about, but so incredibly important. the way you connect how pelicot was caught to the wider pyramid of how rape culture is perpetuated societally is so well done. it’s clear that you’ve approached this topic with so much care and intelligence 🤍
your voice echoes millions of women, amazing to have this on my feed.🤎
thank you <3
Such a good read, the ending questions are absolutely brilliant. The patriarchy relies on women’s silence, whether by intimidation or force. This piece is an act of defiance, thank you for writing it.
thank you so much for reading it <3
Suffrage ultimately required the consent of men, and equity/equality will also require the worth of men (in addition to all the work generations of women have put in).
I’d like to think of myself as an ally in this endeavor, and I am humbled by the women, like Pelicot currently, who have gone beyond to bring attention to the problems in our culture.
I’d hope more men recognize the implicit bias (cultural/social/familial/etc) and do the work to globally treat women more like we’d insist our mothers/sisters/daughters be treated.
thank you so much. this is beautifully put.
This is a great piece, well written and well said. You are right, the horrifying examples are always just that...horrifying, but every single incident is horrifying actually. I support that you don't reach a clear conclusion because there is no such thing. I too feel that this is a problem with no solution and it's terrifying that this culture is so insidious. I agree that no matter how loud we are, it will take a sea change in how men, including all of the good ones, deal with these issues before we really see a difference.
you're absolutely right. thank you so much for reading <3
Beautifully done, Elle, with the ugliest of subjects. You nailed that ending, even without a solutions. Those questions. You’ve got it.
It hurts me to say the good men in my life - my husband, my sons - aren’t talking about this at all. The Pelicot case, the rise in misogyny. My husband says ‘it doesn’t affect you’. Yet it does. All women are affected by a society that routinely diminishes and attacks them, then holds them responsible for that.
you said that beautifully, and you are absolutely correct. thank you so much <3
thank you for writing about this and sharing it! this was a really powerful read
thank you for taking the time to read it <3
so glad you posted this without a solution -- it's more real to the problem at hand and accurately describing it. Thank you for your words
thank you for reading!
It’s always us women asking, begging, screaming, reporting, learning to fight and protect ourselves, limiting our space and wants and needs, avoiding dangerous places and situations, saying no, “being a bi*ch”.
Women should go to a self defence class; they have to be wary; they should dress and behave "properly"; they shouldn't be out at night. It's not required to men to renounce to something, to abstain themselves. Why should I, the woman, be the one limiting my life for fear of danger?
And it's definitely true that "not all men", but it's also definitely true that is "many of them".
I want men to be aware, responsible, accountable. And yet so many men laugh at nasty jokes and innuendos, or stay silent, or look the other way. Women have been saying the same things for YEARS and yet the same sh*t happens . Many men aknowledge the authority of other men oly: that's why MEN could (and should) be great allies.
exactly - you said everything exactly the way i feel.
There's been a brutal SA case in India that everybody's been speaking about. It's affected nearly every woman I know and processing it has been difficult. Everything that you've written is what I've been trying to put into words. This is a great essay, sums it up just right. And you shouldn't worry about the men; any good human will emphasize. Any bad one won't.
thank you for reading. it seems like misogyny is one of the world's biggest constants, across every culture and country.
Empathise*
It is a proven fact that someone who suffers a traumatic event usually has their memory impaired (to varying degrees). During trauma the brain & body go into survival mode. Hearing and peripheral vision may be reduced. It takes time for the brain to “file” things in proper order. Some pieces may or may not be remembered later. How people react may not reflect what we anticipate. These are “survival mode” responses. Reason (logic) is suppressed.
Law enforcement officers experience the same thing. In some jurisdictions they cannot be interviewed after a trauma until they have a complete a sleep cycle. The same concern is seldom extended to people who are traumatized - particularly women, even children.
10 yrs ago, give or take, I attended a training sessions on trauma and memory conducted by a certified law enforcement instructor & an RN who worked with sexual assault victims. It was offered to ‘justice system’ employees and victim advocates. The backbone of the training was a video re-enactment by an officer called to an active crime scene where another officer was killed. He was almost killed and later suffered from PTSD. It went through the events highlighting things he did in the moment. Firing his weapon into the floor where he lay. Perhaps to deny the perpetrator loaded weapons? Not part of his training & he did not know why he did it. He described gaps in his memory & difficulty putting events in order, emotional issues and his recovery.
The memory issues are pounced on as proof of telling a false narrative or not being able to remember their lies. All of this reinforces the ancient stereotypes that women in particular who tell inconvenient truths are not to be trusted. Sir Matthew Hale of the 1700s gifted us this philosophy among his other gifts such as open scorn for women; the denial of rape being possible for married women and the use of specters as evidence in convicting women to be burned at the stake as witches (which he maintained after others abandoned it. It was used during New England’s “witch trials.”)
It is long past time we abandoned what we know to be false: Sir Matthew Hale’s legal theories. I don’t really care if that makes Justice Alito sad.
yep! you're spot on.
I should add the officer was of course re-traumatized by doing this re-enactment. He was aware but did it as a way to show other officers it is not a sign of weakness to need help. This is the way we are wired. Also to explain that witnesses and victims of crime are experiencing the same things.
There is a biological basis for how trauma affects our bodies & brains. The emphasis is usually on children because their bodies and brains are developing. However, we all know, trauma harms everyone. Addiction is one of the major risks that come after trauma. It is also something used to stigmatize people who are hurting.
Addiction - https://acestoohigh.com/2017/05/02/addiction-doc-says-stop-chasing-the-drug-focus-on-aces-people-can-recover/
In general - https://www.chcs.org/understanding-trauma-affects-health-health-care/
I was working in ‘policy’ and fortunate as a layperson to have access to licensed professionals who helped me develop materials for presentations and talking to a broad range of people. I found survivors were relieved to see the probable source of addiction, physical & mental health issues or other struggles; that there are “resilience factors” to help mitigate the risk factors - and to be able to explain it to their loved ones. They are not irredeemably flawed. Same for professionals who work with various populations.
thank you so much for writing and sharing this, elle. as gaby said, your voice echoes millions of women, including my own.
i grew up in a strict household because of my mother’s fears around men/people and what could happen to me. now, with more independence and freedom, i have kept my physical world small (not going out by myself, not going out at night, etc), on my own will, from the overwhelming fear i’ve developed myself from all the experiences i’ve read or heard about. only two weekends ago, i went out to the city by myself for the first time in a long time, and a man came up to me and said “nice shape” while eyeing me up and down. it wasn’t the first time i experienced something like this, but it was the first time i experienced it knowing what was happening. i was terrified it was going to get worse.
i wish there was a solution too. i wish it wasn’t women being afraid of leaving their home, or having to learn self-defence, or having to be hyper vigilant about their surroundings and the men they let into their life, or giving up before they even begin to try and stand up for themselves in court. i wish it didn’t have to be the bear, but it is. i wish that utopian society existed.
oh wow, this was beautiful and heartbreaking to read. thank you so much for sharing and thank you so much for reading
of course 💗 thank you for having the space for it
This is so eloquently written! I wholeheartedly support the fact that you don’t come to a conclusion or a decisive “this is what we should do to solve this problem”, because truthfully, as pessimistic as it may sound, there is no real solution to the problem we face. Solely a change in attitude might result in improvement, however as you said, little has changed in a large amount of time. The only difference we can make is bring further awareness to it. Giselle Pelicot has done so by forfeiting her anonymity and you have done so as well- by bravely posting this essay.
So thank you for that and thank you to all the other women who refuse to stay silent!
you are so so correct. thank you so much for reading and thinking of this as important <3
This is so well written and heartbreaking. I myself was thinking of writing something about this and this really motivated me to get started. You're so right for this. I've seen MY OWN MALE RELATIVES say that "she must've cut herself a few more times for the dramatic effect" when there was a headline of a women getting kidnapped, tortured and rapped who got away. There were 33 cuts on her arms. And that's what he said. That she must've hurt herself. When you talk about how horrible women get treated on video games and are hit with the "we all face toxic players. It's not that deep" "I think you're exaggerating". When you're scared of getting out the car because you're in your pajamas and what if a man sees that as an invitation? When rape jokes and "she must've slept with rhe boss to get that promotion" are things said on a daily basis. And if we get upset we're being 'too sensitive' and 'it's not that serious'. Its so insane w how much misogyny people get away with in the name of jokes, tradition, and normalcy. Tysm for writing this. It goes so in depth and is so real.
that is absolutely horrifying, and i've heard similar comments from men around me in my life. thank you for sharing; thank you for reading <3
A great read. Thank you for writing this even though I’m sure it was emotionally taxing.
I believe the solution begins with 2 main focuses:
1) Accountability and Justice
2) Raising the next generation of boys to be radically empathetic and anti-violent.
Number 2 is never discussed, but it’s possibly the most important. I have a 7 year old daughter and have worked a lot with young children. I see how little boys are ALREADY aggressive and have a blatant disregard towards consent and boundaries. And the parents just brush it off as the norm or aren’t even present to supervise. It’s absolutely learned behavior (not innate) and it needs to end.
thank you for reading!
Unless you find a way to get rid of testosterone in men (pubescent teen boys in particular) male aggression isn't going anywhere. It's much easier to channel it through physical activity( boxing, rugby etc).
Women have testosterone too though in much lower levels. Men who don't rape have testosterone. Some men who have low testosterone rape. Some men who have high testosterone don't rape. As far back as the 18th Century Cesare Beccaria stated that the best deterrent of crime is the certainty of being caught quickly and punished appropriately. Men do not get caught except in rare circumstances. Men rape because they can.
These are great points. Female testosterone levels raise midway through the menstrual cycle and females don’t get more aggressive during that time. In fact it’s usually the time they are the happiest!
On average between the ages of 15-65 men possess 17-20 percent more testosterone than women. It really isn't comparable.
You are missing the point Brian.
I mean I think either way, we can’t let high testosterone levels be an excuse for rape (what this Substack is about).
The science is very iffy on if testosterone causes aggression in human males. Now a days the consensus from biological and psychological experts seem to be that testosterone may have a role, but culture has a larger role. That is because higher testosterone seems to push an individual to seek higher social dominance, but the avenue is different depending on the current cultural dominance structures they are exposed to. So for example, lower income men in prison, tend to seek social dominance through aggressive means when they have higher testosterone, because that is the norm in that space. But wealthy men do not exhibit that same tendency, and neither do women, when they have high testosterone.
This fallacy seemed to have spread because of the roid rage condition. But it’s been found that the aggression of steroids most likely comes from altering thyroid hormones that is a side effect, not the higher testosterone. Thyroid hormones do show a direct correlation to aggression levels.
That being said, if it is a natural and innate gravitation towards aggression and violence that males have, there must be factors that reduce it - because there are plenty of boys and men who end up not violent. We need to do our due diligence and find out what those factors are and address them. And right now scientists and psychologists believe those factors are largely social and cultural. Which lucky for us, are factors we can all contribute to and change in our daily lives.
I find it hard to believe that testosterone isn't the primary cause of male aggression. If it is learned behaviour or as a result of our environment then why aren't women learning these behaviours as well? Why isn't the social environment also affecting women and girls in this way? Another question is who is teaching boys and men this behaviour? Throughout history women have generally been the primary care givers for children. In fact today the the majority of care givers and teachers/educators from early childhood development all the way up to tertiary education in universities are women. I don't see how they could be creating a social environment and raising boys in a way that is detrimental to women.
Because girls are raised in a vastly different way, pushed to different roles and types of media than boys. Anyone with eyes can see that. It starts in infant and toddler clothing. If you look through these clothing sections, boys have primarily predatory animals (sharks, t-rex, bears, crocodiles, lions), where girls get animals that have gentler nature (rabbits, deer, butterflies, sloths). Boys are given super heroes that use violence as a means to an end, where girls are pushed towards domestic tasks.
It’s definitely caused by everyone, not just men. Women are just as much to blame in how boys are raised. That’s why I’m discussing this as a mom and talk about it a lot to other parents, including other moms
You are definitely right the way boys are raised isn't ideal. I have never believed male aggression is a bad thing, I think the main issue is teaching them to channel it positively.
I agree, healthy outlets to release the aggression are a good idea. But I think that has more to do with men bottling up emotions because they are raised to do so. Women are permitted and even encouraged to talk to friends about their feelings, to cry, to feel things fully. Where men are really only permitted to release anger, and the rest of the feelings remain pent up. Changing our culture with how we raise boys would help with that as well!
You can still raise them with empathy and respect. Aggressive boys have energy…
such an amazing and validating read - it’s so important to draw attention to issues like this and more importantly, those feeling of discomfort and shame that victims and women feel can only be eradicated when we can talk about abuse without fear of backlash. Often we hear ‘it’s your fault’ ‘you’re too sensitive’ ‘he wants you, it’s a compliment’ and the experience of being a woman is secondary to the word of a man. Thank you for writing and sharing this piece on such a vital topic.
i have heard those lines countless amount of times from real men in my life, and the surprise and disappointment never subsides no matter how many. thank you so much for reading.
this is truly one of the most thoughtful, emotionally resonant and eloquent pieces i’ve read on substack. it’s SUCH a difficult topic to write about, but so incredibly important. the way you connect how pelicot was caught to the wider pyramid of how rape culture is perpetuated societally is so well done. it’s clear that you’ve approached this topic with so much care and intelligence 🤍
sweet angel leah - thank you so much for reading bits and pieces of this essay for two days. i love love love you so much <3